Thoughts at 4:16am

Today was a day full of anxiety. Actually, it really started to surface yesterday. I think it's because I started thinking about everything I need to do over the next few days.

Today was busy. I ran errands with my grandma, all the while thinking "omg, I gotta get this stuff done" before having to be at work at 11pm. Then there's the thought that after tonight's overnight shift, I leave in the morning and then come back at 3pm to work until 11pm. Then, I work 3-11pm on Friday and Saturday, too. It's just so much!

The weird thing is, I get more anxious about the fact I know I have to do things than I am when I'm actually doing them. Sure enough, once I got to work tonight, the anxiety started to lift. This happens without a doubt, every time.

I think this is both an Aspie thing and an anxiety thing. Aspie being because we tend to have difficulty prioritizing and organizing. With a lot of things, I tend to procrastinate or get overwhelmed. That's where anxiety comes in to play its part. Once overwhelmed, I become anxious, and rather than face the task at hand, I want to run from it.

On days like today where I had to do what I needed to do, I just have to roll with it. Some things, we can plan and order, however others, we have to go along with as they come. Either way, I need to tell myself that it's nothing to worry about! It's not always easy, but reassuring myself always helps :)

My life at the moment

Life has been good these days. I have to say I've been truly happy. I'm loving my new job. I feel like I'm getting a better handle on my health. I still have time to do the things I enjoy.

Working in a group home has always been my niche. What I love about the overnights is that they're so relaxing, and that when people wake up in the middle of the night, the conversations we have. I feel so appreciated there. My coworkers are amazing. I also notice that I don't seem to be having the struggles I had at my last job, like trying to put more on my plate than I can handle, or not quite knowing how to handle some situations. I'm more able to capitalize on my strengths, which is something I always strive for.

I feel healthier. I've been making it a point to go on the treadmill every day I can, and so far, I've only been missing a day here and there! My legs feel stronger already. I don't feel tired all the time anymore. I'm also drinking lots of water, and definitely notice a difference.

Another thing I like about working overnights is the fact that I still have the rest of the day to myself. I can still hang with my brother and my friends, go out for dinner or to the mall, and don't have to be to work until 11pm. Then I work, come home and sleep until the afternoon, and have the rest of the day to do as I please! I also have more energy at night than I do all day, so it works for me!

I'm determined to keep my life going in the right direction. As long as I keep doing what I've been doing, it will only get better!  :)

Working the overnight!

Well, my supervisor just texted me to ask if I could do the overnight. I gladly obliged! I've always been a night owl. I usually have more energy at night than I do all day!

I've been this way for as log as I can remember. Even when I was little, I always wanted to stay up late. By high school, I was usually up until about midnight most of the time. These days, I've been hitting the hay between 11 and 12, only as of recent because my weight has me feeling really lethargic. Up until a few months ago, it was more like 2 or 3am!

I plan on changing that back. Now that I get to sleep in most days with my new schedule, I'd like to get back into the routine of staying up late, so I can enjoy more of my free time. I sleep until 10 or 11am anyway, either way, so if I stay up until 2 or so that will give me a few more hours to get things done and just enjoy myself. It will also allow me to use more energy, and maybe I'll want to exercise during those times.

I've also started walking on the treadmill, and after three days straight, I already notice that my knees feel stronger! :) I hope to get back into my typical sleep pattern plus feel more energized. I'm going to capitalize on my free time while getting this weight under control! :)

Wow, it's been a month!

I just realized it's been a month since my last post. Boy, does time fly! A lot has happened since my last post. I got a new job! I'm now working in a group home for people with mental illness.

Basically, I decided that Supported Housing was not my niche. I really enjoyed all of the residents and my coworkers, however it was getting to be a lot to handle. I truly do miss it, and plan to keep in touch with everyone!

Having done the group home thing before, I knew it was something I could manage. I think I've found my niche! Again, the residents and coworkers are awesome. I'm really enjoying it so far!

Settling into my own skin

Since diagnosis, I have identified different stages I've gone through:

1) The discovery stage: I now had a diagnosis, knew what was my identity, and where I stood. This was when I told the world my story and began my journey. Time to shout out that I'm an Aspie and proud!

2) Advocacy: Now that I was a newly diagnosed Aspie, I felt my point was to share as much of my own experiences and information as I could on the topic. After all, I want to help others like me, as well as others who may be questioning whether they're on the spectrum.

3) Proving Myself: This is kind of a continuation of the second stage. I had already spent a lot of time advocating, but I felt that I needed to keep on the subject. To raise as much awareness as possible. To show others what life on the spectrum is like, and how I work with my challenges and talents.

4) Settling into my own skin: I now realize that I've made my point, and helped others to learn a lot! It's at this point where I remember, "hey, I'm still the same ME I was before diagnosis." I've always been the same person; I just know through my journey that in addition to being a Sonic fanatic, animal lover, daughter, sister, and crazy goofball, I also happen to be autistic. It is very much a part of my identity, but not all there is to me. I can still post the cute animal pics and random goofy statuses I always have on Facebook! :)

This has been an exciting and insightful journey. I'm still learning more about myself every day, but I feel like I now have a balance, and know my niche. I have many parts to my identity. The most important thing is that they are all ME!

Fun times ahead!

Today I'm going to a store called Vidler's 5 & 10. It's a really kewl, historical place. I've always been captivated by all the neat little things they have to offer. I think I was 12 the last time I was there!

I always take time to appreciate the little things in life, whether it be a toad hopping across my yard, or a nifty little toy as I browse stores like these. The slightest things grasp my attention and it's only a matter of time before I'm hooked, and I'm in my own little universe. The rest of the world around me seems so far away and I often have to snap back into reality!

No matter how busy life gets, always remember to stop and smell the roses. Life is short. The years fly by with increasing velocity. If you can make tiny memories such as these, you'll always have moments of pure happiness to look back on :)

On the inside looking out

It's been several months since my diagnosis, much of which I've been on a great journey. I've learned a lot about myself, and am still learning. I am realizing, however, that as much as I'm enjoying the ride, I need to look outside myself.

Yes, I've been talking a lot about my journey here and on Facebook. I've been wondering if I've been talking a little too much about autism, yet I'm tired of apologizing for myself and compromising what I feel is important at this stage of my life. As much as I worry about bothering others, it's also time I stand up and say what I feel. If I want to keep making autism posts, I'm going to.

Then a Facebook friend gently reminded me that there is more to life than autism awareness. At first, I became a little defensive, and said that this is very important to me, especially being recently diagnosed. My friend understood where I was coming from, and what they said resonated with me as well. Maybe it's not that I need to stop raising awareness and acceptance, but to look beyond myself and remember that there is a whole world put there!

You'll still see me posting about autism, but what I'd like to do differently is to not talk about myself and my journey all the time, but what YOU may want to know. That and I'll still keep mixing it up, adding my funny posts and adorable animal pics, cuz that's what I do :)